I've seen better days than those of late. I can't bear the weight...I wish something would change, because I'm losing faith... Do these words ring true for you? I find that these words are true of many people I meet with in counselling, but particularly those who are struggling with the impact of chronic pain, childhood trauma, and abuse. As Christians, we believe that God is with us in the valleys of life. But I particularly love that this song gives the picture of God is scattering seeds and watering them to grow flowers in the valley. It is a song of immense hope for what can be on the other side of the pain. Using Music To Calm the Anxious Heart For those who enjoy music, one great way to regulate emotions and help calm down your nervous system from a place of heightened anxiety or fear is to listen to a song while slowing your breath. If you want, you can also walk in place or sway from side to side, changing the weight from one foot to the other. This pattern helps focus your attention away from the intense emotion, the slow breathing signals calm and lowers your internal threat response, and the movement helps signal calm to your brain as well. So if you're someone who is struggling with being in the dark valley, whatever that pain might be, take a moment to remind yourself, body, mind, soul, emotions, all of you... that flowers grow in the valley.

The reprocessing phase of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) helps transform the way traumatic memories are stored in the brain. This phase uses back and forth movements (bilateral stimulation), which can include guided eye movements, taps, or sounds to facilitate the processing of distressing memories. Key Components of the Reprocessing Phase Activation of Target Memory: During this phase, you will focus on a specific traumatic memory while engaging in back and forth movement (bilateral stimulation). This helps activate the memory network associated with the distressing experience. Bilateral Stimulation: The use of back and forth movement (bilateral stimulation) is essential in EMDR as it promotes the brain's natural healing processes. This encourages the integration of the memory, reducing its emotional charge. Processing Distress: As you engage with the memory, you may experience various thoughts, feelings, or images. The therapist will guide you to process these experiences, allowing for you to move through the distress. Positive Cognitions: After processing the memory, you will work on identifying and integrating positive beliefs about yourself. This shift helps to replace the negative self-perceptions often associated with trauma. For example, shifting from "I'm worthless." to "I'm worth caring for." Resolution and Integration: The goal of the reprocessing phase is to achieve a sense of resolution. You will notice a decrease in the emotional intensity of the memory, allowing it to be stored in a more adaptive way. This video shows an EMDR client being guided through the reprocessing stage. Watching this might help reduce fears around the process. The actor-client uses an example of a car accident. Please exercise caution in watching this video if this is a part of your story. Outcome of the Reprocessing Phase EMDR reprocessing can lead to significant changes in daily life. Clients often feel a sense of relief, increased emotional regulation, and a newfound ability to cope with stressors. The reprocessed memories become less intrusive, allowing you to move forward in life with greater peace and resilience.

I really like this video about trauma and it's impact on the brain. It gives a really clear understanding of how your brain is impacted by experiences that you have. Before you watch this video, an important disclaimer: this video uses an illustration of someone going to the police and being misunderstood. If this is a part of your experience, please exercise discretion before watching this video as it may be triggering for you.

The window of tolerance is a way to understand what happens in your mind, body, emotions and behaviours. The "window of tolerance" refers to the state in which a person can effectively manage their emotions and respond to stressors well. Think of it like an actual window, you can see clearly through the window pane, but you can't see outside if you're looking at the wall below it or above it. In the same way, we want to be living most of our life seeing clearly. When you're in the window, you are able to be calm, curious, clear, compassionate, confident, courageous, creative and connected. It's a good place to be. When you are outside the upper limit of their window, you may experience hyperarousal. This state is characterized by heightened anxiety, agitation, or panic. Symptoms can include increased heart rate, irritability, and difficulty concentrating. When you are below the lower limit of their window, you may feel numbness, disconnection, or a sense of being overwhelmed. People sometimes feel lethargic, disengaged, or feel disconnected. The picture below gives a summary of some of the common signs of being outside your window. Of course, you can technically "tolerate" being outside the window. In fact, some people live their lives outside the window so much, it's their normal state of being! We all have different sized windows of tolerance. For those who have had difficulties in childhood relationships with parents and caregivers, who have experienced traumatic and unsettling events, or who are in a state of acute stress, their window is going to be smaller. That is to say, they will be overwhelmed more frequently and have states of emotional dysregulation more frequently. It's a normal response to abnormal events. If you'd like to know more about this and practice understanding your own window of tolerance, download the .pdf below with a FREE resource to help you understand your window of tolerance and some skills to help expand a window that has become small due to circumstances in your life such as trauma, stress, and childhood adversity.

Maybe you're suspicious of Christian counselling. Perhaps the idea of Christian counselling rings alarm bells for you. Perhaps you're concerned about judgement, hatred of your identity group, or being evangelized to in a counselling session. Let's start off by saying that if you feel judged, hated, or pressurized in counselling of any kind - that is unethical . You should tell your counsellor you feel that way, if you can. If you don't feel comfortable or safe to address it, you should leave that counselling relationship immediately. And that counsellor should have a complaint against them sent to their supervisor or organizational body. If you have concerns about your counselling relationship, you can get free confidential advice from the BACP . Reaching out for counselling is vulnerable enough . You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity in your counselling time. And good counsellors will aim to give their clients the kind of care and empathy that is hard to ignore. If you are not a Christian, I would not include a faith element in our counselling. It would not be ethical or right to do so. Similarly, if you are a Christian and you don't want faith included in the counselling, I'd respect that choice as well. People have many reasons to want to include faith in counselling and many reasons to exclude it as well. One thing you can know about me as a Christian counsellor ... while I hold to the ethics of my professional bodies, I also hold to the even higher standard of love set out for me by Christ. If you don't know the story of Jesus, and you only see the impact of Christians historically, you may feel like there's a lot of judgement and pain from Christians. Yes, that's true. But Jesus himself, and many Christians throughout history who did not make the news, have loved in a way that is truly and deeply transformative. As a Christian, I see you as made with deep, inherent dignity. I see you as worthy of love, even if you've never been loved well before. And I see you as someone who is worth caring for.  That is what you will experience in Christian Counselling here at Renewal.

I feel like I tell people this once a week: Let's normalize fidget toys for adults. It is a really normal thing for people to feel some level of stress or anxiety in a day and our bodies then need to release that energy. And while it is wonderful to be able to go for a run or do some exercise or stretching, perhaps even taking some deep breaths… It's also really great to have other tools at your disposal which use your body to help move that stress out. Not all fidget toys are bright and distracting. Some of my clients struggle with self harm, other others struggle with regulating intense emotions such as anger or anxiety. Those things in particular are really benefited by having something to squeeze or fidget with in order to release that tension. I had a great opportunity recently to try out lots of these fidget toys and see which ones I think are worth having around. So I thought I'd make a list of some of those that I recommend in case you might find it helpful to have them in your world. One of my favorites is the hedgehog ball . Other than finding it very difficult to keep young kids from taking them all, these little plastic balls with spikes on them are so good for giving some release of tension for people who are struggling with anger or frustration. It's also excellent for people who struggle with self harm as it gives a good sensory input without needing to actually harm the body. Another favorite of mine for something a bit softer is the NeeDoh cube . It's much stronger than the off-brands. And big enough that you can use both hands to play with it. It's like a really clean way of kneeding bread dough. Your fine as you play with it that it gets softer as it warms. If you don't like the texture of NeeDoh but want something that you can squeeze, you might like the Mind Panda stress balls . These are actually made as a way of increasing hands strength. I quite like them because they're covered in fabric, which could be helpful for some people who don't like the texture of NeeDoh. They're also very well-made so you can squeeze them very hard and they will stay intact. Another excellent one that many people already have are little pop squares . There are a lot out there that are very kid colored, but there are a few that are a bit more mature looking and might give you a little bit less of an attention from others around you. You could also try one of these sensory stones , keeping it in your pocket to fidget with when you need some help grounding. For those looking for something a bit more sophisticated which they can maybe even use at an office or professional space. I'd recommend these two things. One is a fidget ring . There are several available on Etsy that either have something to spin or play with. If you think about it, it's a pretty common thing to see someone playing with their rings. And it should be very acceptable to have a ring on your finger which you play with from time to time. Another thing which some people find helpful is the Ono Roller . These come in different colors and have a really good weight to them. They're also very grown-up looking and are not the kid fidget toy you might otherwise see. Are there are lots of things out there that people can use to relieve their stress having something available to you that's easy when times are just that little bit. Difficult is a good starting place. It's also really helpful to have when you're having a difficult conversation whether that's at work with a family member, or just a daily life. Using the simple things to help ground yourself and allow your body to release the stress it's not going to fix all of the problems, but it is one simple tool to help make things just that little bit better. Why not allow yourself that? All items listed on this page are my personal recommendations from experience in the therapy room. I'd never recommend something I don't use with myself or others. Some of the links are affiliate links and I will receive a stipend at no cost to you if you purchase by the link.

Someone asked me this question recently and I've wondered if others think it too. Many things that we're not familiar with can seem strange at first, like trying a new food or painting a wall a new colour. EMDR may also seem strange when you hear about it for the first time. But, to borrow words from one Christian group's article on EMDR ... We can assure you that there’s nothing creepy or spooky about Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). And it’s not connected with anything that might be considered unbiblical or spiritually unsound. Some people worry because they feel EMDR looks like hypnosis . But it's important to note that EMDR is not hypnosis. You are always present while reprocessing in EMDR. And it's your own brain doing the healing work, not the suggestions of the therapist. EMDR light bar, headphones, buzzers Some people feel weird about using eye movements in EMDR. Most of the time, once they see what the eye movements involve, the "weird factor" goes away. For others, we choose to use another form of bilateral stimulation other than eye movements, like tapping, holding buzzers, or listening to sounds in headphones. Most of the research is based on using the eye movements, but the main thing is having those bilateral movements present in the resourcing and reprocessing times. Some people wonder if it's okay for Christians to use EMDR. Author and therapist Aundi Kolber explains EMDR this way: As a Christian, I integrate EMDR with my own faith through the lens of understanding that God created our body with an internal system that moves toward processing. This is called the Adaptive Internal Processing (AIP) system. When trauma occurs, the AIP gets thrown offline and this is why the disturbance becomes stuck in our body. Similar to putting our spine back into alignment with a chiropractor, moving a disturbing experience through our body with EMDR allows us to return to a neutral instead of hyper- or hypo-vigilant state. Because of this, we can then reflect on it, learn from it, and integrate into our experiences moving forward. I believe it’s God’s own goodness that gives us medicine to help us when we’re sick, and similarly God’s own goodness that gives us tools like EMDR. In fact, some Christians choose to have God as one of the characters of protection  and nurture during their EMDR reprocessing sessions. I have heard some people describe this after EMDR reprocessing as a profound experiences of God entering their deepest pain. EMDR might be new to you, but it can be a great tool in healing for many.

We all have ways that we have learned to manage the difficulty and stress in life. Perhaps you talk to friends, go on a walk, play with your pet, sing, or exercise to help reduce your stress. We all have ways to cope, but some of us have developed coping strategies which are not as much helpful as they are harmful. Take a moment to think over your own life, are there things you do to deal with stress which you know aren't great for you? Many people find it hard to break out of the cycles of bad coping strategies because those strategies can become addictive, especially ones around physical self-harm. One of the ways therapists work with self-harm of any kind is to replace that unhelpful or maladaptive coping mechanism with other, healthier and more adaptive ones. That way you've still got something to go to when you're distressed, but it's not making thing worse in the long run. You can think of it like riding a wave of emotion. The distress rises (that's when you're usually tempted to go to your bad coping mechanism) and if you can hold out or find a different way to release the pressure, you will get to the other side of the wave where things are less intense. One way of learning how to ride that wave is by finding things that help you regulate your emotions that are not harmful. While we can do that in therapy, it's really only helpful if you're also practicing those exercises in time outside of therapy and when you're also not distressed. It's like tennis. You can't just play tennis when you're in a match and expect to be good at it. You have to practice when it's not game time. It's the same with coping strategies for emotional regulation. I often recommend the Calm Harm app to people. It's useful for people who struggle with more than just self-harm because it offers you options for regulation tools to practice and engage whenever you're needing them. Screen Shot from Calm Harm App The app has loads of exercises for people to use to help with emotional regulation, riding the wave of distress and helping you get to the other side. I'd recommend trying it out and seeing if there are new ways to cope which might be better for you. And remember - practice when you're not overwhelmed too! You can find the app here: https://calmharm.stem4.org.uk/ If you find you're struggling with staying safe, please call 999, 111 or by present at A&E. I work on an appointment system and am not able to offer emergency support or crisis counselling. Online counsellng is not the right support for you right now as you may need practical support to stay safe.  You can find additional crisis lines here.

It takes courage to step towards change. It takes a lot of courage to step towards change. It takes a huge amount of strength to decide that the status quo isn't working, or that getting worse is no longer an option. And maybe you're not feeling that strong. Maybe it's just a niggle which says, "this is too hard, maybe I should try something else..." Counselling can seem like a scary thing to do for so many reasons. Maybe you watched a tv show or movie which made therapists seem mean or judgmental. Perhaps you don't know what to expect or you're afraid of someone just sitting there and analyzing you (that's not our approach, by the way). Maybe you just aren't sure that it's worth the time, money and energy to try counselling. Or you think it's just like talking to a friend. Maybe you are scared it will bring up too much and you won't be able to handle it. Or maybe you've had a negative experience in counselling before . It is hard to start something new. But if you're willing to give it a try, counselling can often help . So take a moment, notice that the fear is there, acknowledge it, and choose to take a step forward in courage... So take a moment, notice that the fear is there, acknowledge it and choose to take a step forward in courage (even if that step is just reading more on this blog so you feel more safe reaching out). We do a short intro call here at Renewal to answer any questions you might have about counselling and help you see if we're the right fit for you in our approach. Booking in that call isn't committing to anything other than a short conversation. So perhaps that's a good place to start. Here are some resources which might help too: How to get the most out of counselling Will counselling help me? Ethical Christian Counselling You're worth caring for...

I remember my first ever counselling session. It had taken me so much effort to just arrange the time to meet - and here I was now sitting in a room with a stranger having no idea what to expect. If you've never been to counselling before, it can hold a lot of unknowns. Let's demystify some of what you can expect from counselling here at Renewal. Counselling is a safe space for you to come and talk about what is going on in life. Counselling is different from talking to a friend . We will set goals for what you want to get out of counselling, so that our time has a direction, but you are welcome to bring whatever you like to counselling on that day.  Sometimes we will talk about things in your life presently, and other times, we may process significant experiences in your past that impact you now. Counselling can help you change from difficult patterns in life. Counselling often involves times of talking, feeling, thinking and being. Sometimes we will do activities together to help you engage with difficult places or calm yourself after strong emotions. You can choose which of these activities you feel comfortable with and which you do not. You'll never be forced to talk about or do anything you do not want to do. You can expect to be respected, to have autonomy, and to be treated with dignity in our time together. Those are things you can expect in counselling.

Starting counselling can hold a lot of unknowns. The first counselling session will likely be a time of getting information about you and what brings you to counselling. Your counsellor will likely ask more questions of you than in typical sessions as they get an understanding of who you are and how you cope. Introduction The session will typically begin with the counsellor introducing themselves and the space you're meeting (whether physical or digital). They will let you know anything of immediate importance such as fire exits or what to do if the internet drops. Discussing Confidentiality The counsellor will also explain the confidentiality policy, including what information is kept private and any exceptions to this rule (e.g., risk of harm to yourself or others). Checking In on Paperwork We invite you to fill in some paperwork before starting at Renewal. Your counsellor will check in with you to see if you have any questions about the counselling agreement, intake forms, or other things as you get started. Feel free to ask any questions you might have. Gathering Information Your counsellor will have some questions to help them understand your background, current situation, and what brings you to counselling. This may include: Asking about particular ways that people often struggle when times are hard (food, sleep, etc...). Current challenges or concerns Your personal history This information gathering stage sometimes takes more than one session and can include questions from your therapist as well as reflections from you.  It is often a new thing to have another person be compassionately curious about your story - that in itself can be healing. Online Counselling Setting Goals Early in therapy, you and the counsellor may discuss your goals and what you hope to achieve in future sessions. This helps give a direction for the work and helps you and your counsellor know how to best direct your time. Closing the Session The session will typically end a session with telling you any next steps. The counsellor may also schedule your next appointment, if not agreed already. Give Yourself Compassion for the Courage After the session, take some time to reflect on your feelings and thoughts about the experience. This can help you prepare for future sessions. And be sure to extend yourself a lot of grace for whatever you might feel following this first session. Sometimes just getting started is a huge piece of work. Giving yourself some compassion for the courage it takes to show up and share is really important. Remember, every counselling experience is unique, and your first session may vary based on the counsellor's approach and your individual needs. Sometimes these steps take several sessions, but even these initial information gathering stages are a part of the journey of therapy. It is often a new thing to have another person be compassionately curious about your story - that in itself can be healing.

I've had many clients come to counselling in a desperate place, where life is just so hard and it seems like there's little way out. Others come from a place of discomfort, wanting things to be better and more whole. I find many people say to me, "I just want to be happy." And while happy is a good thing, and not ever feeling happy is certainly a challenge, I want to take a minute to consider another side: feeling average. I believe average is vastly underrated. We often search for a way of experiencing less of a difficult emotion by desiring the opposite: I don't want to be sad - I want to be happy. I don't want to be depressed - I want to be joyful. I don't want to be anxious - I want to be peaceful. I don't want to be angry - I want to be completely calm. And while these are good things to desire, there is also great value in experiencing the average, the mundane, the daily-life-is-just-okay side of things. Most of life is lived in these average moments, but when we only notice the extremes and only value the extremes, we miss the goodness of the average. In relationships, we gain trust not just through the amazing moments of deep love and care, but through doing daily life together and (even better) by noticing that daily life together is okay. I sometimes refer to these average experiences in relationships as adding to a "trust fund". This trust fund is like a bank of positive and neutral experiences that allow someone to make withdrawal in hard times. Plenty of neutral and average experiences over time means a few more deposits have been made into the trust fund to be used when the relationship hits a hard spot. But you get a larger deposit when you take a moment to notice the average experiences. Noticing the average may look like: Oh, that conversation was alright. That person did their job. I felt okay doing that. That seemed alright. That wasn't too good or too bad. It just was. That was good enough to work for me. Perhaps you read that list in a sarcastic tone, noting the average things as an insult rather than a statement. If so, read it again with curiousity. Those aren't the highest complements. So why do I think it's so important to value the average? Noticing average things as being okay means noticing that certain things are actually predictable in a way that isn't harmful. Noticing average things as being okay means noticing that certain things are actually predictable in a way that isn't harmful. Giving value to average means that you grow trust, you grow hope, and you grow presence in the moment in a faster way. It means you notice that the world around you is perhaps safer, perhaps more okay than you thought before. And that is a powerful thing. It means you notice that the world around you is perhaps safer, perhaps more okay than you thought before. And that is a powerful thing.