I have met with several people today who are deep into the work of addressing their trauma, working through difficuties in life from family, their own broken bodies, and broken relationships. One thing I have thought time and time again today: "They are so brave." I wish my clients knew how brave they are. Counselling is brave work. Even when I tell them, I am not sure they really see the deep truth in the courage they have shown in just showing up. Seriously. It takes incredible courage to do the kind of deep-heart work that people do in counselling. And especially if your past has been full of people telling you how you don't matter, how your emotions aren't important, or how your experiences aren't really significant because it's in the past. It is really, incredibly courageous work. Courage is about moving towards something difficult, knowing that it might bring challenges with it, and choosing to do so anyway. That sounds like what people do in counselling. Choosing the to do the deep-heart work, while knowing the task is difficult. So, if you are addressing your deep heart-wounds... know that I see you. I see how much it takes to step into that darkness not knowing what is on the other side. I see the tenderness, the vulnerability, and the pain in that place. And I see how incredibly brave you are. Want to read more about your value: It's Okay to Not Be Okay The Wounded Healer Christian Counselling for Non-Christians What Can I Expect from Counselling

There are so many things in life which make people think that they aren't enough in life. Maybe it manifests as perfectionism, over-working, an intense sense of responsibility, burnout, performance drive, social anxiety, or academic stress. You are enough. Just as you are, you are enough. So often I see people who are striving and pushing through life, working so intensely hard to hold things together and manage countless stressors in their world. For many of those people, it seems like an impossible task to slow down, do things less-well, or put aside the pressure to perform. The incredible thing I get to see in counselling is when those very people who are often living in a high-anxiety, driven, just-push-through state start to come down and rest in a new place: the place of being enough. One of my favourite terms in attachment theory is that of the "good enough parent". Researchers Bowlby and Ainsworth, in particular, highlighted that it is not the "perfect" or "ideal" parent who helps her kids to be securely attached - compassionately and confidently exploring the world. It is the "good enough" one. A good enough parent is one who helps their kids calm down when stressed, takes an interest in them, can hold their big emotions ... but (and this is important) ... A good enough parent repairs the relationship when it breaks. The hidden gem in that statement - a good enough parent is one who messes up and needs to repair. A "good enough parent" repairs the relationship when it breaks. The hidden gem in that statement - a good enough parent is one who messes up and needs to repair. In fact, in parenting, messing up and showing repair is actually really important. It teaches kids that relationships can have rupture and repair and survive. It's a super important thing that a "perfect" parent isn't doing if they never mess up. (And we all know, that "perfect" parent doesn't exist!) But even for those who aren't parents, there is something important to learn from attachment theory about being good enough... In all relationships (with others, with yourself, with God, with the world)... being enough means there is a cycle of rupture and repair. It means you aren't perfect. And you don't have to be perfect to be enough! Just to be clear, I'm not advocating intentionally messing up or hurting people just to make a point of repair. What I am saying is that the small voice inside you that says "You're not enough" any time you don't measure up to something... Well, perhaps that voice is not actually measuring the right thing. Being enough means not being perfect. It means being approachable, being broken, being a seeker of renewed relationships, and allowing your whole self (the messy parts and the excellent ones) into the world. Because you are enough. Being enough means not being perfect. It means being approachable, being broken, being a seeker of renewed relationships, and allowing your whole self (the messy parts and the excellent ones) into the world. Because you are enough. Want more on this theme? Counselling Is Brave Work You're Worth Protecting You might also like these posts: Control: The Fried Egg Model Messy People Boundaries Are Like Gardens

One thing that I want people to know more after they finish time in counselling than they did before: You are worth protecting. It might be that you don't believe it fully still, or that there are days where it feels particularly hard to hold onto, or seasons where it feels particularly difficult because life circumstances seem to make it seem untrue. Nevertheless . . . You're worth protecting. Sit with that for a moment. Now take a deep breath and read it again... You are worth protecting. Does that feel true to you? Does it bring up big emotions? Does it make you feel physically uncomfortable somehow? Do you want to just stop reading now so it doesn't feel as bad? For some people I work with, the idea that they are worth protecting seems foreign, uncomfortable, or even wrong. I've been asked, "How can I be worth protecting when I've never been protected before?" You may not have experienced protection, safety or care in your past experiences. But that does not mean you are unworthy of them. You have deep inherent dignity. You are worth caring for. And you are worth protecting. In counselling, there are some times when I encourage people to change their boundaries, change their environment, and move away from dangerous relationships . . . because they are worth protecting. Protecting sometimes mean stopping harm from others, other times protecting means stopping harm from yourself. Gentle care is there for those who only know rough-and-tough ways of managing through (often through self-harm, binge eating, over-work, or over-responsibility in life, just to name a few). If gentle care seems foreign. If the idea that you're worth protecting seems far-fetched. You may benefit from having someone sit in those places of pain with you, to help you understand what story is there telling you lies about your value. Reaching out for counselling can be a good first step in that direction - a way of saying to yourself, maybe I am worth protecting. Because indeed, you are. More to read on this topic: Messy People It's Okay to Not Be Okay Try Softer Will Counselling Help Me?

I spoke at the Sheffield Hallam CU event recently and was asked a great question: What is the best recipe for mental health recovery? I love the idea of it being a recipe, of involving different ingredients, taking time, and often needing some heat to get things really to change. That's because our mental health is not just one part of us. It involves our emotions, yes, but also our thoughts, behaviours, bodily experiences, and relationships with ourself, others, our past, and even God. So what recipe would I give? First off, you need to decide that you're ready to cook and gather ingredients. I'd recommend a few different ingredients, depending on your circumstances. These tend to work well as a base: One who expects to see you One who listens One who can provide wrap around care One who has knowledge and skills One who expects to see you. You need someone who expects to see you tomorrow. Whether this is a colleague at work, a teacher who says hi every morning, or the barista who has your order ready each day. When you're really struggling, it can make SO MUCH DIFFERENCE to have someone who expects to see you the next day. Social psychologists call these "weak ties" and they are seen as some of the most influential parts of our life. I still remember the older man who smiled at me every day on my commute for a year. I could feel myself getting happier as I approached the corner where we'd often cross paths, knowing that I'd see a friendly stranger for a moment. One who listens. This can be any friend who has some time and who you already trust a little. I know, sometimes it's hard to trust anyone. But many of us have someone that we can test the waters out on - a friend who we can at least tell that we are struggling, even if we don't feel able to share the details. In the right moment, an answer of "Yeah, I'm not doing as great today" can open the door to another person's care. One who can provide wrap around care. There are several types of people who can fall in this category: case workers, social workers, parents/grandparents, church pastoral care teams, loving housemates, or friends who love basic hospitality. I imagine you don't have all of these types of people in your life, but if you look, you may find that there is someone who can provide this for you in your community. Someone who is there for you "out of hours" when you need a little extra help practically, who can help you get groceries or find a new place to live. I like to think of these as the kinds of people who might invite you over for mac-and-cheese each week. When you're struggling, you often need someone who feeds your belly, welcomes you into everyday life, and doesn't expect much. One who has knowledge and skills . For some people, the first three ingredients are enough to help them get well on the way to recovery. But for some people, there's a need for another person to be in the mix - someone with knowledge and skills related to the challenges you're facing. Counsellors and psychotherapists are a great resource for this because we don't just listen, we have training to help us listen better, offer insights, and sometimes even help you learn new skills to recover well. If you're ready to reach out for counselling, read these posts on how to get the most out of counselling, what you can expect in counselling, and how counselling is different from talking to a friend. That's my recipe - community who can help you recover by using their different gifting and different relationship with you. You don't need every friend to be a counsellor, you need every friend to be themselves. And perhaps, just maybe, you're one of these people for someone else too.

While there are so many ways that individual people might define trauma, it's worth considering what the word means when it's used by a counsellor or psychotherapist. One approach to defining trauma uses 3 E's: Event Experience Effect Trauma "results from an event , series of events, or set of circumstances that is experienced by an individual as physically or emotionally harmful or life threatening, and that has lasting effects on the person’s functioning and mental, physical, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being."1 So while two people might live through the same event, they both might not experience it as harmful and have the lasting effects. Or perhaps they do experience it as harmful but don't both have the same lasting effects. It's a very individual impact. Because of this, it's really important not to assume that something one person experienced without effect would be the same for another person. Trauma "results from an event, series of events, or set of circumstances that is experienced by an individual as physically or emotionally harmful or life threatening, and that has lasting effects on the person’s functioning and mental, physical, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being The effect of trauma is wide ranging. Sometimes it can be very physical impacting sleep issues, chronic fatigue, stomach distress, and racing heartbeats. Trauma also impacts how someone thinks of themselves, perhaps feeling dirty, unworthy of being cared for, deserving of the abuse, or as though they should be treated poorly. Relationships are impacted often too. Hypervigilance (always being on edge) impacts the body, emotions, and relationships as the person is always experiencing a stress response and looking for potential threats. Spiritually, trauma survivors may feel unworthy of God's love, like they can't pray or read scripture, they may struggle to feel close to God, and feel a strong sense of dissonance between God's love and their own experience in the world. Trauma can impact people in huge ways. But it doesn't have to stay that way. If you'd like to learn more about trauma, check out my book recommendations . I also have other posts on trauma including one on using EMDR therapy to help heal. 1. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. “SAMHSA’s Concept of Trauma and Guidance for a Trauma-Informed Approach” (emphasis added).

I talk to a lot of people about fried eggs. They are a great example which helps to understand what areas of life we have control over and what we don't. Think about a fried egg in a skillet. You have the yellow egg yolk, the large egg white, the pan it sits in, and the fire beneath it. Each part of the egg represents an area of life. The yolk represents areas you have control over your choice. You get to decide what to do in these spaces. Things like deciding what you eat for lunch, whether you say yes to a job offer, whether you go home to see family for Christmas, whether you talk to someone after church. These are areas you have control over and responsibility for. You might read that list and think, "I don't have full control over that, what if I want to eat mangoes for lunch and there aren't any available where I live." Well, that egg is being cooked in a pan over a flame - that flame influences the egg yoke and you don't have control over that flame! The egg white represents areas you have influence over. You get to influence things in this space, but you don't have total control over them. To take the examples above, you get to choose what you eat for lunch but you only get to influence what your family or friends eat. You cannot make them eat, but you can offer them food and set the table to eat together. You get to choose whether you take a job offered to you, but you only get to influence whether the offer is made. How? By how you respond to questions, by taking the interview, by applying for the job in the first place! The decision to make the offer is not yours, the decision to take the job is. You get to choose whether you go home for Christmas, but you only get to influence the dynamic in the family which may make that trip better or worse. You can choose to influence things by being kind and respectful rather than sarcastic, or by setting new boundaries for your time or money. You get the choice to set those boundaries, but you don't get to choose how the other people respond to them. You get to choose whether you speak to someone after church, but you don't get to control their response. You can influence it by how you speak to them and what you say/do, but you don't get to control the outcome in their response to you. The frying pan is holding your egg above the flame. You can't control or influence the pan. It's just there holding the egg in place. It is where the egg is, and it keeps it from falling into the flame, which is important if you want the egg to be cooked well. This space is neutral. You don't get to control or influence it - but it's also not harming you. It's outside of your control, it's outside of your influence, but it's not impacting you. It might be hard to think of things in this space because, in some ways, they aren't where the impact happens. A pan with an egg in it is only worthwhile if there's heat underneath... The flame influences you and you don't get to control or influence it. These ares of life are often difficult for us. Maybe it's the impact of increasing food prices on your desired dinner, meaning you don't get to eat what you would otherwise chose to eat because it's price is too high. Or perhaps it's the fact that there aren't jobs available in your job sector right now, so there's nothing to apply to. Or maybe there is family trauma or loss which makes a visit home for Christmas not possible for you - even if you really desired to go. Or it could be that the person you want to speak to after church leaves early, so you don't get a chance to talk. You're influenced by things you have no control or influence over. You don't get a choice or influence in this, but it does impact you. It "cooks your egg," so to speak. This metaphor is super useful for those of us who struggle to control things they only influence, or control things they have no influence over. Sometimes, we make scrambled eggs when we should be making fried eggs. Or worse, we just crack the egg open and toss it into the fire (which is not how you cook an egg). What areas of life fall into those areas for you? Where have you scrambled your egg inappropriately?

Life is often stressful. And all of us need ways to calm our mind and body. One of my favourite ways to help calm my own mind and body is through a breathing exercise which incorporates Psalm 46:10. It uses your body and your mind to slow down and focus in. It's meant to be a gentle invitation to be still. So be sure you use a gentle voice with the words. It goes like this... -- slow, deep breath -- Be still and know that I am God. -- slow, deep breath -- Be still and know that I am. -- slow, deep breath -- Be still and know. -- slow, deep breath -- Be still. -- slow, deep breath -- Be. -- slow, deep breath -- How true are those words... on every level an invitation to be present and focus your mind. Focusing in on each of these words, and the different meaning held in each line, helps to slow and focus (rather than ruminating or building anxieties). I really love using this to access calm because it uses one of our superpowers . . . our breath. Our breath is one of the things we have limited, but not total control over. (Like a lot of life!). When someone changes the pace of their breath, it changes a lot of how the rest of the body responds. For example, series of short, shallow breathing will raise a sense of anxiety felt elsewhere in the body. Furthermore, those with chronic anxiety and stress have more shallow and faster breathing in general than those who are at a more relaxed/neutral state. I could go on about the science of it, but the point is to invite you to breathe... and to know it is a gift to breathe in deeply the air that surrounds you and be still. It is a gift to breathe in deeply the air that surrounds you.

We are all broken people. Living in a broken world. Surrounded by other broken people. That means we have places where we have been hurt by the broken shards of another person's life. Those places in our hearts are tender as they heal. And sometimes they haven't healed well. Perhaps they are infected, or have not set correctly and have pain whenever that part of our life is touched. We find the most pain when these tender places are then touched by the broken shards of another person. When another's brokenness aligns with our injuries, it is acutely painful. We find the most pain when these tender places are then touched by the broken shards of another person. When another's brokenness aligns with our injuries, it is acutely painful. So what do we do? We might need boundaries to help protect those tender places from the broken shards of another. We might need to do some deeper work to remove the infection or to reset the places that have not healed in healthy ways. And we might always have scars in those places where we've been hurt. So we might need to learn to accept those scars, without them becoming all of how we see ourselves. Because we are broken. But we are also beloved and beautiful. All of those are true. We are broken...and we are also beloved and beautiful. All of those are true.

Christmas is not an easy season for many people. As the world gets coated in a sparkly, shiny candy-coated smile, those who are suffering and weary can feel the divide between a Christmas smile and their inner reality to be very stark. We see nativities on display with pretty little characters smiling and sweet. While inside, some might feel more like they are on the outside of the stable scene, smelling like cattle and covered in dirt from a weary journey, unsure of that little baby in the manger can truly do anything to touch the loneliness and pain they hold. If this is you, welcome. Know you are not alone. Christmas is hard for many people. Those who have suffered a significant loss or bereavement whose Christmas isn't what they imagined it would be with that person missing. Those who feel exceptionally low, and see the joy around them as a harsh reminder of what they long for but cannot find inside. Those who have experienced difficulties in their families which means that spending time with them is not safe, let alone joy filled. Those with anxiety that make gathering in crowds hard. An over-sparkly Christmas experience often misses those in pain. Yet it is in the dark, empty, smelly places that God is often doing some of the greatest work yet unseen. Christmas is a testimony of that. It is in the dark, empty, smelly places that God is often doing some of the greatest work yet unseen. That's why one of my favourite modern Christmas songs is this one by Sovereign Grace. O come, all you unfaithful Come, weak and unstable Come, know you are not alone O come, barren and waiting Ones weary of praying Come, see what your God has done... O come, bitter and broken Come, with fears unspoken O come, guilty and hiding ones There is no need to run See what your God has done... So come, though you have nothing Christ is born Christ is born for you.

If you find yourself overwhelmed with stress, feeling it's difficult to make decisions, or easily getting into conflict with others - perhaps it's time to HALT. HALT is an acronym to help you remember a few parts of your physical self that might just need some tender attention before you can move forward with integrity. HALTS to check if you are Hungry - Angry - Lonely - Tired - Sick Hungry When did you last eat? Did you eat something nourishing and filling? Perhaps you need to start some care for yourself by having a snack. Sometimes people lose their huger cues and their body no longer tells them "Hey, it's time to eat!" with a tummy grumble or a niggle. But even for those people, finding yourself feeling faint or overwhelmed might be a late-term signal of hunger. And while you're having that snack, have a glass of water too. Dehydration can also really impact your ability to think clearly and behave with integrity. Angry Are you getting angry quickly? Feeling more snappy than usual? Perhaps taking a moment to release that anger wisely will help. Splash water on your face, take some deep breaths, do an angry dance, get some fast-paced exercise, squeeze an ice cube in your hand, eat a lemon. These are all ways to help your body release anger that don't involve shouting at someone or harming yourself. Lonely When was the last time you spoke to someone (especially face to face)? In a world of entertainment resources, we can easily populate our life with online community and podcasts or TV, but nothing really touches lonlieness like an actual face-to-face conversation with someone. Take a moment to call a friend, visit a neighbour, check out your local church's cake morning, or go speak to someone at the park or a cafe. While talking about deep things is great, sometimes just speaking to a human of any sort about anything can help ease that pain. Tired How did you sleep last night? Have you come off of night shift? Are you generally sleep deprived in this stage of life? Is sleep hard due to nightmares, ruminating, or fear? Our brain needs sleep. And when we don't get enough deep sleep, our brains are impacted by that. Take a nap, lay down and take some deep breaths listening to your favourite slow music or audiobook (David Suchet is excellent for this!), allow your body to rest and slow your mind's pace Sick Are you feeling unwell? Do you have a cold, stomach bug, broken bone? Is your body healing from something? This last one is not on the original HALT list, it's added by me. Because being sick is super disruptive. We need to have extra grace for ourselves when we're sick. That means noticing that our window of tolerance will likely be smaller, that we might find ourselves unable to cope with general life and need to slow down. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK601489/box/ch2.b11/?report=objectonly

I love learning things in simple ways. One of those simple ways is children's books. There are some excellent children's books out there which teach emotional regulation skills in simple ways. There are lots of books on parenting kids but not as many practical books on parenting yourself in adulthood. Children's books like these can be helpful in that. Parents are meant to tolerate and help regulate their child's emotions. If you didn't experience much of that as a child, it's really hard to do that for yourself in adulthood. Parents are meant to tolerate and help regulate their child's emotions. If you didn't experience much of that as a child, it's really  hard to do that for yourself in adulthood. For those who didn't learn how to notice, identify, and regulate emotions as a child, books like these are so helpful. Some of the ones I like to use are by Elizabeth Cole: I am stronger than anger I am stronger than anxiety Kindness makes me stronger As an Amazon Associate, I earn commission from qualifying purchases from the links above. I only share books I believe are useful, truthful, and good. Rather than a dry book of skills, it's a child's walk through the zoo learning from the different zoo animals ways to calm his body. How great! And the skills the animals are teaching are very much the same skills I work on a lot in the counselling room: Noticing how your body feels Naming the emotion Using your body and thoughts to help shift and regulate your emotion Addressing relationship issues that may result from that big emotion Give it a try - see if these books help you as well as the kiddos in your life!

I often hear people say that they feel "messy" or "not good enough" to be in relationship with others. Perhaps you've felt that way before too. Sometimes we feel that we must be good enough, interesting enough, put-together enough to be in relationship with others. But that simply is not true. It's our broken, messy places that bind us together as humans. I want to tell you a story of two houses to show this well. They are real houses I've been in. And they made me feel very different ways. The first house was recently renovated. It was pristine. Some people ask you to take off shoes on entering, this house gave you dust covers for your feet. Everything was white from the polished floors to the white countertops and white walls. It was not just clean, it was sparkling. Despite having taken a shower that day, being in that house made me worried I wasn't clean enough. I don't think I could have eaten a meal there. What if I dropped food by accident and messed up the sparkling floor? I was really uncomfortable there and was actually happy when it was time to go and I could be myself again. The second house was well lived-in. It had crayon marks on the walls and a pile of bags and shoes dropped at the door. There was a child walking around with a bag of crisps, dropping a little trail of crumbs behind them as they went. It wasn't perfect and it wasn't trying to be. It was okay to show up and add your coat to the pile at the door. If you messed up and dropped food on the floor, you wouldn't be the first (and likely not the last!). It was a place where it was okay to not be perfect. It felt safe to be messy there. We can all be a little bit like those two houses as people. If we give off the impression that we are pristine and need others to be so in order to be near us, it's a pretty off-putting invitation. Because deep down, we all know we're messy inside. If we give off the impression that we are pristine and need others to be so in order to be near us, it's a pretty off-putting invitation. Because deep down, we all know we're messy inside. If we show our mistakes and faults (in appropriate ways), it allows others to be messy around us too. Messiness can create space that binds us together as humans. It's an invitation to be vulnerable, real and true to our own messes. We're not perfect and that is perfectly okay! If we show our mistakes and faults (in appropriate ways), it allows others to be messy around us too. Messiness can create space that binds us together as humans. It's an invitation to be vulnerable, real and true to our own faults. We're not perfect and that is perfectly okay!